I have nostalgia today. It was my last day at the one branch of the tutoring center at which I have been working for the past year. I am never going to step into that building again, or drive that drive ever again. Tomorrow is my second to last day at the West Windsor branch... due to some weirdness, I have to work on Tuesday... when KPLC is closed. I just go when they tell me.
I feel at these moments, when change comes, very reflective. This place has really shaped me into the teacher I am going to be. My experiences next year will shape me even more. I have had the thought that it is good to be a blank canvas; I thought about that at this past retreat. God will shape us into who we are meant to be, as long as we allow the Spirit to move. If we accept that we are a blank canvas, we will be shaped into something beautiful - we can't know or understand the end result, but it will be better than our wildest dreams. This is how I feel with my experiences with teaching - they have shaped me into someone new. I have learned about myself while I have been a teacher; I've even learned about the things I thought I knew 100% - I found I only knew 100% (ish) of only ONE SIDE. I never saw the world in this way before, until this year. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to see this new horizon of potential stretching before me.
It has not been an easy ride. One *key* thing I learned this year is never-ending patience and flexibility. I have definitely learned to go with the flow: kid doesn't show up for class? Okay. Kid didn't do his homework? Okay. Do something new, out of your comfort zone? Okay. Extra 3 kids show up for a class whom you weren't expecting? Fine, we can work with that. At first, I didn't understand or like it... yet, to quote the Avatar, a teacher must "be the leaf": be as a leaf in the wind. Teaching isn't something you force your way through - you dance your way through, with grace. You don't confront your obstacles - you work with them and are attuned to their movements and changes. If you do well, you should find the rhythm at which to dance to change directions, avoiding major obstacles and using them to grow. (Of course, that doesn't mean that everything is "okay" - classroom management and boundaries are incredibly important!)
I have really enjoyed every moment I have spent in the classroom - my successes, my failures. At the beginning, I had one girl withdraw because she was moving, and she hadn't improved at all. I took the girl's lack of improvement to mean my own failure, blaming my inexperience. At the close of this year, however, I have learned how to tell when a kid has learned, and when he or she has not, and how to fix it and with what materials. I've learned how important a teacher's presence is and how authoritative one can be just by being oneself and demanding respect. I have learned about a number of modern resources and good classroom ideas. For example, I want my kids to do a unit on poetry in a way unlike what they've experienced before. Post-modern poetry incorporates technology, particularly music, into it - the kids would love a technologically-relevant, creative project!!! I know I did when I was a student. I really can't believe how my mindset has changed since I started working there... at the beginning, I really had no clue and no confidence. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing! Taking over extra students from other teachers, experimenting with various ways of running a classroom, and going out of my comfort level was the best thing that I could have ever done. I have grown so much professionally, mentally, in myself, how I face the world... I am ready.
I can't wait to be back in a classroom (luckily, I have work tomorrow!). I have made some progress with my applications and cover letters etc. but I still have a lot of schools left to apply to. I really love my subject areas and teaching so much! I can't wait to learn how to "be the leaf" next year with my new students! I will miss the ones I had this year, though. Some of them told me to become a teacher at their own school. I've tried to embrace the loss of my students at KPLC ... I may never see any of them again, even though I enjoyed working with them. I can't say whether it's going to be okay or it's not - it just is and I can only hope for the best. To be the leaf you must let the wind blow. That's what I'm trying. I'm waiting to see where and who I am meant to go and teach; and, as Mary Poppins says, "I will stay until the wind changes," when I am meant to go and serve and give my all somewhere else. God willing, there is a lot of life left in me... I only hope I can live/give it to inspire others. :)
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